First I would like to thank you for hosting such a splendid event. Whoever originally decided to take an enormous engine, strap it to a frame, and then race it with an over-sized chassis at 200 mph was a genius of the highest caliber. The intellect of this person is only matched by the sadistic nature of the individual who decided to pass rules to restrict the racing speeds to just below warp drive but just above imminent fiery death. These standards result in exciting races where no one walks away with a lead, anyone in a pack of 40 cars could win, and there will most definitely be a hair raising crash every single weekend.
I cannot begin to tell you how my redneck heart quivers with delight to see this display of excess and ingenuity. Not too mention, like baseball, with a four hour event there is ample time to get excited, grab a snack, take a nap, take a leak, and then get excited all over again. So, once again, I commend you.
However, recently my viewership has ceased, unexpectedly, through no fault of my own. Imagine my surprise on a recent Sunday when flipping through my local network television channels, I find no NASCAR event. Immediately my mind tells me, “Must be a night race.” So, I check the schedule only to find out, there is, in fact, a race this afternoon on TNT. TNT. Not again!
Yep, it’s that point in of year where poor folks and tight wads such as myself can no longer watch the season. How much are TNT and ESPN paying you? I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same, but you’ve sold off my Sunday afternoon! Things just aren’t the same around the house.
My wife would usually make snacks for the race, but now she has no reason to be in the kitchen. You’ve taken away her livelihood. Now she just sits around reading. I can’t have that. She’s liable to get ideas in that little head of hers.
And what am I supposed to do with myself? Go outside?!? There’s a cancer causing sun out there. Should I exercise? And lose this manly physique? I think not. I can’t play video games. I need a break. I’ve put 26 hours into Civilization 5 already this week. Also, I live in Washington, DC. Do you know how often I get to hear a true redneck voice to remind me of home. It WAS every Sunday.
Listen, NASCAR is a human right like Jeopardy or Sesame Street. It should be available to all. People depend on you to get them through the tough Spring and Summer weekends. You bring fellowship to friends and family, rest to the weary, and excitement to the working man.
For now I am stuck with NBC providing me with Indycar and F1. That’s right F1. I might as well be watching a marathon. There’s always a some guy with a name I can’t pronounce out front, everyone is in a long, boring line, people crash out on their own, and 3 lead changes is considered an exciting race. Please rescue me.
Your Desperate and Fading Fan,